


Retail Therapy

by CopperBeech



Series: Absent Without Leave [3]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Bondage (implied), Don't copy to another site, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Handfasting, Humor, Kink (implied), M/M, Naughty, Shopping, bookshops, ineffable husbands
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-12
Updated: 2019-09-12
Packaged: 2020-10-17 02:07:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20613176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CopperBeech/pseuds/CopperBeech
Summary: Everyone has an errand in the London shops.“And these silicone rings are very popular – ““We already exchanged rings.”“Ah. Not that kind of ring.”“Oh my goodness. I see. Well – the cuffs, certainly. That seems – a place to start. And perhaps those.”





	Retail Therapy

**Author's Note:**

> Just silly stuff. The idea for this as a series of ficlets occurred to me some time back, but when the Anonymous Truant Angel walked into the pornography shop in my head -- I don't mean there's a pornography shop in my head, just -- oh, you know what I mean -- it became attached to the Absent Without Leave series and I proceeded accordingly. You could read this without having read "Double Date," only the bookseller and porn shop bits won't entirely compute. Clearly derelictions are occurring not only Below but Above.

“Something that would please a partner with an - ahem – adventurous streak.”

“What sort of adventure were you thinking? Has she–”

““He. It’s a bit of a belated wedding gift -- it was all a bit sudden, and we're just getting round to a proper celebration...”

“…showed an interest in restraint, chastity play, light pain?”

“Hm. He’s not known for his restraint – “

“I meant this kind of thing... Over here. Some people like the buckled cuff with the option for quick release – some people – well, we have some beautiful hemp cords by Twisted Monk. Exclusive to us, at least in London.”

“Ah. I see. That does seem like a possibility.”

“Once you set up your scene there are lots of options. These are adjustable clamps, so you can start out light…”

“For – oh! I think I follow you.”

“And we have a few useful guides. I recommend this one.”

“Hmm! Oh _dear, _who would have imagined?”

“And these silicone rings are very popular – “

“We already exchanged rings.”  
  
“Ah. Not that kind of ring.”

“Oh my goodness. I see. Well – the cuffs, certainly. That seems – a place to start. And perhaps those.”

“I’ll throw in a few samples of the Sliquid selection.”  
  
“That’s very kind of you.”

“We want all our customers to come back… and congratulations!”

“...Hm. Well, I’d have never figured him.”

“Oh yes, I see it a few times a week. He’s pretty vanilla, the husband not so much. But he’s willing to make an effort. That’s when it lasts.”

* * *

“Hamley’s. How can I help you today?”

“Ah’ve got – a little lady who’s aye fond of those little fluffy poppets.”

“We have a complete line of the best stuffed toys. Gund, Aurora…”

“Oh nae, she’s already got sae many. Hae ye got anything to contain the little boogers? I need somethin’ to keep them… off the bed.”

“They do like to arrange them on the bed, don’t they? It’s sweet.”

“It’s oot a’ control.”

“We carry a stout mesh hammock that will keep them tidy and in sight. Three sizes, easy to install.”

“Put two a’ the large ones aside. I’ll be round th’noo.”

* * *

“I’ve been asked to perform a handfasting. I think I’m the only witch they know, actually. But we’ve been through a lot together and I want to do it right.”

“In the right place then, dear. We just got in some lovely silk cords, beautiful colours. Set of four, thirteen pound or you can get them in the keepsake case for the couple.”

“I’ll take these with the case. That’ll be my gift. Then for myself I need a scrying mirror. The Sight hasn’t… been what it was, lately.”

“Oh dear, we all go through those times. You’re over from the States, are you? Bit of jet lag?”

“Oh, no, I’ve been living up in Tadfield for a while. We just came down to London for the day.”

“Well, I can see why. I dare say you won’t find a shop like ours even elsewhere in London, much less around Tadfield. A full selection, and none of that Avebury tat they sell to the tourists.”

“Yes… This is very nice.”

"Now will you be wanting a book of ceremonies, dear? If you don't do this customarily -- this one's my personal favourite... and if you want to splash out we have some beautiful robes. All our candles are handmade by a gentleman who grows his own herbs, and you won’t find higher quality crystals. Take your time, I’ll just take these up to the counter.”

“Thank you… and, ah… do you know anyone who could do a handfasting… for me?”

“Oh, goodness! Well, love is in the air, isn’t it?”

“We haven't talked about it yet. I just have a feeling.”

“Well, there’s two or three business cards up on the board here. Personally I’d go with Mabon Flynn. Beautiful voice, and never tries to upstage the bride. Some of these folk do fancy themselves a bit too much, don’t they?"

* * *

“I am looking for a good edition of the poems of Blake. With the illustrations.”

“Let’s see, we have this one – no good, only a few plates … Rob, do we have the Bindman edition? You know I was in Fell’s last month and they had a beautiful one from about twenty years back – “

“I have asked there already. He does not seem to want to part with his books.”

“Stodgy bugger. He’s like that. Oh – here we are! Hardcover’s dear, but the paper edition’s good quality – “

”Yes, this is exactly the sort of thing.”

“You want a bigger carrier? – you’re juggling all those little ones. Shopping day for you?”

“I do not get up to London as often as I would like. I wanted this for a friend, and some clothes for a party. Something about a wedding. It will be my first party."

“Oh, now, pull the other one, love, it’s got bells on. You look like someone who gets asked to all the parties. – Here we are, one extra large, stout brown paper, with handles.”

“Thank you. These all fit in it.”

“Nice tattoos, by the way.”

* * *

“I would like to purchase some of your pornography!”

“Well, that’s what we sell – adult books and vids, right on the sign. What’re you into? Straight, gay, anal, BDSM?”

“I wish to sample all possibilities! I am here to learn!”

“Ah – all right. What about starting with Nina Hartley’s book? Or Annie Sprinkle’s?”

“These have no depictions.”

“Oh, I see – maybe this – “

“That is remarkable! And this! Yes, exactly the sort of pornography I wished to acquire!”

“We’ll just make a stack at the counter… no returns, you know.”

“No worries, is that not what you say? Yes, and this!”

“I can wrap these up. No embarrassing moments in the Tube…”

“I have my own transportation! I must return quickly to work so that no one suspects I am examining pornography! Do not tell anyone you saw anybody of my description in here! It is a secret!!”

“Everything’s confidential… Come again, we always say.”

“Good day!”

“Uh-huh… Winked any harder you’d’a broken your face, mate.”

“Well, he was an odd one even for here.”

“That’s the second one I’ve had this week banging on like that.”

“S'pose it’s some sort of a college lark?”

“Don’t know, the last one was pretty old for that."

“Maybe there’s been a breakout from the seminary.”

“Nah, they’re already my best customers.”

“What’d you sell him?”

“Let’s see, here’s the sale record. _Strict Governesses, Rowing Team Party, _ _Best Lesbian Erotica 2018, _that vid we got in last week with the Boris Johnson lookalike getting it up the arse from the actress kitted out as Theresa May with a strap-on...”

“Crikey. Gotta watch that one myself.”

* * *

“I really don’t know how to shop for women but she’s – very special.”

“And of course you want to show that the way you feel about her is special?”

“Yes – I mean, really – she’s … unusual.”

“Well, we have some lovely non-traditional pieces. This is tanzanite, in white gold. And alexandrite is unique – this is a traditional diamond cut, but look at the way it changes colour when I take it from the window into artificial light… “

“That really seems the thing.”

“Do you know her size?”

“Um, no.”

“Well, we can size to fit. Now we can spread the charges over six months, or you can use Apple Pay…”

“Better not try that.”

“Gift box included, of course.”

“Of course… Also… do you know a good garage nearby?”

* * *

“Oh, going back and forth in London, and walking up and down in it. Home soon. ‘Bye, angel. –– Sorry, that was the husband, didn’t want to send him to voicemail.”

“Of course, sir.”

“Did it on the spur of the moment. Guess you’d call it an elopement, but, y’know, we’re having a do with our friends to make it more – official. Just a few very special people. Like to dress to make a statement.”

“You can be confident of our help with that, sir.”

“Little bit formal. But not all-out Royal Wedding. Bow tie.”

“Certainly. I would suggest choosing the rest of the ensemble and then finding the best match.”

“Actually, already decided exactly what I want there.”

“What did you have in mind?”

“What have you got in tartan?”

* * *

“That was lovely, wasn’t it?”

“Anything with you in it ‘s’ lovely, angel.”

“You’ve had too much champagne.”

“Not nearly. See? Totally fit.”

“Well, we have the whole night in this delightful suite. Thank you.”

“ ‘S’ nothing.”

“You always try to act so –unaffected_,_ dear. You forget how long I've known you... I saw your face when she was reading the ritual. _Two entwined in love, bound by commitment and fear, sadness and joy, by hardship and victory, anger and reconciliation... _It’s all right. I feel the same way.”

“Mhm. I liked the ‘As your hands are bound by this cord’ part.”

“_Did _ you, now.”

“Brought a certain – zest to the proceedings.”

“Oh, then you’re going to _love_ what I bought for you.”

_finis_

**Author's Note:**

> The text quoted by Aziraphale at the end is from an actual modern handfasting ceremony. It seemed to exactly describe the nature of their... Arrangement.
> 
> Come say hello on Tumblr @CopperPlateBeech


End file.
